The River and the Chainsaw

I love the Bible. Every time I read it, I discover a new secret about God and His heart for His creation that had previously eluded me.

So it follows that I get ridiculously excited to share and process God's Word with my kids. This week we have been memorizing and discussing Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

I learned this year that the impulse section of our brains ("fight or flight," "my way or the highway," etc) is fully developed by age TWO. Our frontal cortex, however, (the impulse-managing-rational-choice-making-is-this-a-good-idea section) can reach full development as late as TWENTY-FIVE!! 
Thus, while I'm not so idealistic as to believe it will be a fully-functional strategy with my kiddos for some time we do want them to have the practical foundation. So we memorize and discuss. And - as is common - they blow my mind. 

Dezdin: "So, when we use kind words, we're kind of like the river that runs along the roots. But when we use hurtful words we're like the chainsaw."

There had been no discussion of trees up to that point, but all at once our little six-year-old had painted a powerful picture of the effect words have. And I was convicted. My thoughts had been on the external - keeping focus on using light words and not heavy. Dez, though, cut straight to the truth of the matter - how our words impact the soul. If the heart of our words is to build others up, we are like the river that refreshes and nourishes the roots of the tree and brings growth. If, however, the heart of our words is pride and selfish gain (being wise in our own eyes, putting others in their place, etc), we become the chainsaw that cuts them off at the stump. Can they grow back? Yes. But it can take years to recover from a comment that levels the soul. Have you found that to be true?

I turned the focus of our thinking from, "What words are we saying?" to "What are my words DO-ing?" As we get loaded in the car, walk through the grocery store, get ready for bed, clean up the table and on and on and on - am I the river or am I the chainsaw? Oh, Jesus, let me be the river!

Spirit, put a guard on our mouths, that we can love in word and action. That the fruit of our lips is truth in love and grace in all. Let us nourish the seed You have planted, and may the heart of our words be love!

Postscript: Today some harsh words were begin exchanged...
mom: "Hey bud, that tone is kind of rough."
brother 1: "I'm sorry I chainsawed you. You're a really great brother."
brother 2: "I'm sorry I chainsawed you too. You're a really great brother."
Then they commenced dancing around the room like growing trees. I love how God waters the seeds He's planting!

Overwhelming...2014 in Review

Greetings Friends and Family!

Wow! It has been quite a year. We bid 2013 farewell with the happy news that we were expecting baby number 4! Then 2014 came in like a flood...

In January, we found out our little would be a girl, but that she had a condition called polydactyly - which could mean as little as extra digits and as much as only surviving hours outside the womb. For months we prayed, wrestled and waited surrendering to the sovereign heart of God again and again. It was, in a word, overwhelming.

In May, as we waited for our daughter’s arrival, my (Tammi’s) mom landed in the hospital with stomach pain. Exploratory surgery discovered stage 3, peritoneal mesothelioma. Originally, they gave her 4 to 6 months to live. It was devastating, overwhelming. 

During that same time, a pastor and friend of ours approached Dusty about merging our two church plants. He and his wife had been called to the mission field and did not want to leave their grace-filled community in the hands of just “any normal pastor” (I believe that’s how he put it. Ha ha!) Combining churches, visions, people...? Overwhelming.

How often do so many of us find ourselves - as we walk this life - in similar situations with circumstances and questions so daunting we scarcely know how to step, let alone survive? We pursue happiness praying it will bring with it the joy that staves off despair only to discover that trial always seems to find us. How grateful I am, when I consider the life of Jesus, that He was no stranger to the overwhelming nature of this life. 

Think of the circumstances surrounding his arrival: A mother with a highly suspect explanation for how she could be a virgin and “with child” simultaneously. A betrothed with an equally implausible argument as to why he was standing by his girl. An unlikely audience of shepherds composing terror at the sight of heavenly messengers (Oh to be thus terrified!). And a delivery, surrounded by livestock and hay! We sing “Silent Night,” but I dare say...overwhelming.

Then consider the state of his departure: Falsely accused. Wrongly convicted in unlawful trials. Abandoned by those who swore devotion. Cursed on a tree even in His innocence. Broken for those whose sin demanded his life as ransom for their redemption. OVERWHELMING.

And when we sit with him in the quiet of our desperation and become, as He was, acquainted with sorrows, our hearts are suddenly permitted to draw further in to His heart. We taste sweeter the peace of His presence. We are filled more deeply from the well of His love. And His strength is made perfect in our weakness. 

Life can feel and be overwhelming. Sometimes we are struck by and must stop in the enormity of its moments. And yet life does not stop moving, and God does not stop sustaining, amazing and, yes, overwhelming - by his goodness, his comfort, his assurance, his grace and his love. 

Our little Taelyn entered this life on May 15th, healthier than we had dared hope. She had extra digits on three appendages, but no other complications. She is growing, learning and lighting all of our lives. OVERWHELMING!

My mom got a second opinion at MD Anderson in Houston and qualified for radical surgery. On July 23rd, she underwent a ten-hour procedure which extended her prognosis from a few months to 8 to 15 YEARS! Her journey has opened a new door for her to minister to others with cancer. She has introduced several hopeless people to MD Anderson where they, too, have found greater victory over the disease. OVERWHELMING!

In August, two little church plants started holding services together. In September, Revive Church launched anew: two stories, two backgrounds, two hearts becoming one just as the Lord our God is ONE! I have been amazed and healed as I watch this group of people extend such grace and hope toward one another. God continues to say, “Keep watching! I’m going to do things you have never seen and could scarcely imagine!” OVERWHELMING!

In the midst of all that, Dax turned 11 this year. He is in 5th grade, almost as tall as I and growing into such a young man. He has been a life-saver with Miss Taelyn. During all the crazy and transition, he has stepped up to help both his dad and I carry the load. He is such a great big brother (I call him my “manny”), and his sister adores him. It has been fun watching his heart for the Lord grow. He reads his Bible independently and applies the stories he’s read to situations we face. That’s been cool!

Draes turned 7 in June and is in 2nd grade. He continues to blow our minds with his compassionate servant’s heart. We were overjoyed when he chose to be baptized this year in Revive’s first baptism service! His passion for justice and truth is a bright spot in the world. Once recently, as we were discussing whether it was the best choice to give money to people panhandling, he quickly decided we should build them a house and give them his bed instead. It’s pretty humbling to raise such a kid.

Dezdin turned 6 in November and couldn’t be more proud. He is all humor and logic, so when I get little stick figure drawings with hearts, the “I love you” sign or he asks for a snuggle, I soak it up. He is thriving in Kindergarten and seems to have found his niche in school. His greatest goal, currently, is to get to first grade so he can eat lunch at school like his brothers. “Mom, how many days ‘til I’m in first grade?” is a weekly question. He constantly causes me to shift my perspective and see the world from a new angle.

Taelyn is 7 months old as I write this. She is beginning to push up on her knees, but not sitting or crawling yet. I have a sneaking suspicion once she starts moving, I won’t ever get to stop. She loves people and the din that surrounds them. It’s a beautiful thing to watch her place her fully-extended, six-fingered hand against someone’s cheek and bury her head into their neck. As her name intended, she seems to bring beauty and light wherever she goes. We are humbled and grateful to know her.

Dusty... ha ha, well, I say it every year, but he continues to spin circles around us! He remained rock solid through all the questions surrounding Tae, my mom’s cancer, and - with the great help of the Holy Spirit, our friend Dennis and the amazing people of Revive - navigated a merger this year! I’m always amazed at the sheer amount of what he can shoulder.

Alas, I (Tam) cannot measure my accomplishments by completions (unless you count mounds of diapers changed, meals consumed, dishes done, loads of clothing laundered or tender, loving moments shared. :) But the Lord never lets me far from His assurance that this is an important job, and that he handpicked me to be heart and hand for this not-so-little family. My prayer is that you can embrace the same assurance for your current season of life.

So as another year closes - a blip on the radar of our loving Father’s eternity - I feel compelled to rejoice and give glory to our OVERWHELMING GOD! Because His “overwhelming” overpowers all the circumstances of this life. 

I leave you with HIS indelible words: “I have told you these things so that you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Teaching me . . .

She’s in there. Her soul. If you can catch her ever-shifting focus and hold it just long enough, you can slip behind the veil and draw her out.

There’s that smile! There’s my girl! But, boy, she makes me work for it. She’s got places to go . . . if she could just get those appendages to obey. She’s got people to see! Well, not so much because she just wants to get to those places and touch those things and see more, do more, grab more, drool on MORE!

I enjoy her every minute, but the thing that makes my heart thump is that SMILE. Her eyes light up, and I get a peek into the girl I’ll spend the rest of my life getting to know - a little piece of her daddy - a little piece of me - everything she was made to be.

And as I chase her darting eyes, push past those cheeks, lift that chin, make ridiculous noises, I’m saying, “Hey! Hey! I’m here. Check me out! I want to know you. Let’s be friends (aside from the whole parenting thing ;)! Let’s do life!"

It’s not so different with you and me, is it? I see so many women driving - driven - sullen-browed and focused, their eyes darting across faces and souls in order to GET THE NEXT THING DONE (pant, pant, heave, sigh, huff). People to compete with, places to go, pinterest projects to. . . ogle. (Maybe just me - hee hee)

Am I missing the living for the life? Like the forest for the trees...

Because I’ll bet if I could just push past your agenda and follow your frantic, darting gaze until we lock eyes (creeped out as you'd probably be) I might just see into your soul. And you might recognize mine. And it might feel good to be known, to be friends, to do life.

Only two months old and she already teaches me. Every day.

Psalm 133:1 How good and pleasant it is    when God’s people live together in unity!

Between Faith and Fear

Tears gushed, relentlessly, carving red, saline paths down my cheeks, splashing salt across my tongue and smudged wet and sticky across the back of my hands as I flailed to wipe them away. "Idiot! You're in a supermarket parking lot! Turn it off!"

I was waiting for my mom. They had come into town after Christmas to celebrate the holidays. She was buying the necessary items to fondue at my sister's house that evening. It was also the week we had found out we would be having a baby girl and that she had genetic complications which could mean as little as a few extra digits or as much as a non-viable trisomy - ending her life moments or days after she left the womb.

I had traversed all the stages of grief in a short time. The last couple days had been spent threatening God - that if He were to take my baby from me I would walk away from ministry, from His call. I had informed Him that I had endured enough for ministry, and this would be the last straw.

But as I sat in the car that afternoon, the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United came over the radio. It was the line, "I am Yours, and You are mine," that opened the floodgates. So many times over the years as I have faced trials or fears He has whispered, "You are mine." And in that moment His heart said, "Wouldn't I be enough? Even if she were taken from you, am I not enough? Are you mine?" And I broke under the truth that He would still be my God - even if I had to go through the worst pain I could imagine. I would still serve Him and He would be ENOUGH. Big enough. Strong enough. Present enough. Patient enough. Loving enough. Healing Enough. Lord enough to take me through. "I am Yours. You are mine." And so there, in that supermarket parking lot, waiting for my mother, I surrendered my baby girl to the will of my loving, sovereign Abba Father.

Little did I know that just months later my heart would walk a similar path, this time with my mother.  Stage 3 mesothelioma. Rare - incurable. Months they gave her at first, but the specialists knew more and were performing cutting-edge surgeries. They could offer her years. YHWH has opened doors and gone before us. He has given us hope and assured us of His hand. And yet, the flames of fear lick the bottom of my heart, searing my psyche. Ten hours of surgery is a long time for any healthy person. Tomorrow will feel like forever. But today I heard it again - the song. "I will call upon Your Name, and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace. I am Yours and You are mine."

This time the words that stood out were, "You've never failed, and You won't start now."

Tonight thunder shook the world outside my tiny window and lightning traced lines across the sky so bright I wondered if one might not enter the room and leave an angel standing at the foot of my bed. I felt the heart of God reminding me of what He has done, who He is and whose I am. So, holding my healthy baby girl in my arms, I surrendered my Mommy to the hands of my Savior.

For, just as I, she is His. He has never failed. He has never abandoned. He has never betrayed. And He is enough. Holy. Worthy. The final step in the dance between faith and fear is surrender. We take it many times in this life - but the first breath after that seeming defeat is sweet, sweet peace. And He is still on His throne.