Between Faith and Fear

Tears gushed, relentlessly, carving red, saline paths down my cheeks, splashing salt across my tongue and smudged wet and sticky across the back of my hands as I flailed to wipe them away. "Idiot! You're in a supermarket parking lot! Turn it off!"

I was waiting for my mom. They had come into town after Christmas to celebrate the holidays. She was buying the necessary items to fondue at my sister's house that evening. It was also the week we had found out we would be having a baby girl and that she had genetic complications which could mean as little as a few extra digits or as much as a non-viable trisomy - ending her life moments or days after she left the womb.

I had traversed all the stages of grief in a short time. The last couple days had been spent threatening God - that if He were to take my baby from me I would walk away from ministry, from His call. I had informed Him that I had endured enough for ministry, and this would be the last straw.

But as I sat in the car that afternoon, the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United came over the radio. It was the line, "I am Yours, and You are mine," that opened the floodgates. So many times over the years as I have faced trials or fears He has whispered, "You are mine." And in that moment His heart said, "Wouldn't I be enough? Even if she were taken from you, am I not enough? Are you mine?" And I broke under the truth that He would still be my God - even if I had to go through the worst pain I could imagine. I would still serve Him and He would be ENOUGH. Big enough. Strong enough. Present enough. Patient enough. Loving enough. Healing Enough. Lord enough to take me through. "I am Yours. You are mine." And so there, in that supermarket parking lot, waiting for my mother, I surrendered my baby girl to the will of my loving, sovereign Abba Father.

Little did I know that just months later my heart would walk a similar path, this time with my mother.  Stage 3 mesothelioma. Rare - incurable. Months they gave her at first, but the specialists knew more and were performing cutting-edge surgeries. They could offer her years. YHWH has opened doors and gone before us. He has given us hope and assured us of His hand. And yet, the flames of fear lick the bottom of my heart, searing my psyche. Ten hours of surgery is a long time for any healthy person. Tomorrow will feel like forever. But today I heard it again - the song. "I will call upon Your Name, and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace. I am Yours and You are mine."

This time the words that stood out were, "You've never failed, and You won't start now."

Tonight thunder shook the world outside my tiny window and lightning traced lines across the sky so bright I wondered if one might not enter the room and leave an angel standing at the foot of my bed. I felt the heart of God reminding me of what He has done, who He is and whose I am. So, holding my healthy baby girl in my arms, I surrendered my Mommy to the hands of my Savior.

For, just as I, she is His. He has never failed. He has never abandoned. He has never betrayed. And He is enough. Holy. Worthy. The final step in the dance between faith and fear is surrender. We take it many times in this life - but the first breath after that seeming defeat is sweet, sweet peace. And He is still on His throne.

Gifts and Surprises - A Taylor 2013 Recap

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."

I am not a gift-giver. Ha ha. I would LOVE to be - I'm just bad at it. This time of year is always a mental marathon as I try to decide what or how to give and to whom. What will be meaningful, but not wasteful? It's by and large because I'm not a "stuff" person. I value time. Want to give me a gift? Take me to coffee; let's have a philosophical conversation about ... well ANYTHING, really :D.

And then there is Dusty - the EPIC gift giver. Oh! And not only will he give the perfect gift, he'll have seen it materialize out of thin air for 25% of what one would normally pay for it. Ya. He's amazing.

All that and the focus of remembering Christ's entrance upon the stage of our planet - the gift and surprise of grace that His presence, life and death would bring - turns my mind to gifts at year's end. We have been given a great many gifts and surprises this year. Even struggle, I have come to see, is a precious gift from the Father as His hand curves around me and draws me into His side, under His wings.

Dezdin turned 5 in November. His life continues to be our favorite surprise to date. He is self-motivated, independent and a deep thinker. I'm often blown away by his assessments of the world around him and the depth of his spiritual questions. Though he would LOVE to be in school, the deadline holds him off until next fall, so he has been my little sidekick as we navigate the day. I've enjoyed teaching and prepping him for school this year and having the time to get to know him better - just us.

Draes turned 6 in June and is a delightfully-wrapped package of service and encouragement. Anyone who has met him is nodding as they read this. Dusty and I stand in awe at the ability he possesses to just pour love on people. It's amazing and humbling to unwrap aspects of your children you KNOW you have not passed on or cultivated. Every day, he teaches us what it is to find joy in serving and edifying others. My favorite thing is seeing the surprise and joy in a stranger's face when he randomly blurts out, "You're really smart! Have a great day!"

Daxton reached double digits this year. I can remember how terrified I was to be first-time mom. Now I wake each day to the gift of this young-man becoming. He's still very "kid," but has crossed new barriers of confidence and leadership this year. It's such a treasure to enjoy my time with him and realize with anticipation that I'm excited to be his friend one day down the road. His dad and I had the privilege of taking him with us to Thailand in August. We have always wanted to begin young laying a passion in our kids' hearts for missions and service. It was amazing to watch him adapt so effortlessly into a foreign culture and love the people like they were merely new neighbors (click for more!).

Dusty . . . I know I say the same thing about him every year, but it's true. He is like whirling, highly-productive tornado navigating ministry, (click to see Dusty!) business and family. I marvel at the way he relates to the boys - so thankful. Though I can meet their emotional needs, I cannot understand their "manliness" as he does. It's fun to watch their esteem and sense of identity grow in his presence. I don't know how, but in addition to all that, he still finds time to be my friend and do some of the things he loves. This month we are releasing a new album (click to link): songs he wrote sung by several members of the Connections worship team. I have loved watching him take songs that came from his heart and share them - even ownership of them - with others for their joy, worship and experience. We were also able to collaborate with some of our prior bandmates again. That is always a gift.

I (Tammi) have unwrapped a great deal of joy this year. The first gift being my precious family, I have also been able to watch God bring healing and freedom to many people through transforming prayer. Having journeyed - and continuing to walk - this healing road myself, it's cathartic to bear witness with others as the Spirit leads them into truth and sets them free. I have learned not to run from pain, but rest in it and let the Lord use it to knit my heart more fully to His (sounds churchy, I know, but it's the picture in my mind) and heal through it toward greater freedom. I experienced this in a very real way in Thailand - you can read that blog by clicking here. I've also learned that as difficult as it is, healing is highly preferable to "running" on a broken leg. After returning from Thailand, I was ill and in bed for close to a month. Thinking it was just jet lag ... led to wondering if it was a parasite ... led to scheduling a doctor's appointment ... led to realizing we were actually PREGNANT! Yup! Surprise! Ha ha. So although IN THAILAND I had told God my heart was content with three kiddos, He laughingly revealed #4 was already on the way. He does that with me - puts things on my heart so the crazy timing won't completely uproot me. Didn't plan to have a baby this close to 40, but we trust Him and know His gifts are more than we can ask or imagine.

I am thankful for this - that while I am not a great gift-giver, He is. And His gifts (even when they are packaged in ugly wrapping or come, seemingly, too early or too late) are true and lasting... even eternal in the case of Jesus. And we are grateful for another year of gifts AND surprises. Our prayers are with you and yours. May you have eyes to look back on 2013 with gratitude and ahead with hope and anticipation in the One who holds all things and from whom comes "every good and perfect gift" (James 1:17).

All our love,

Dusty, Tam, Dax, Drae, Dez and TBA Taylor ;)

Today

I apologize for my silence the last couple days. I've been wrestling with some things and not sure how or what to share.

At this moment, it is 3:45 am. I am sitting in a hotel in Bangkok, waiting for the taxi to take us to the airport. I am overwhelmed. As Brittany's alarm went off this morning to the song "Restless" by Switchfoot, I was overcome with tears.

How do I go home? I am not the same. (You never are after experiences like this. I knew that was coming.) I know I am not called here full time, like some. But I am not the same Tammi I was. It will affect everything. I will return to my life somewhat an alien. And I don't want to go back and just add this to a list of photographs in the mental album of my life.

But in my devotions, God led me to this:

"Behold my servant whom I have chosen; M beloved in whom My soul is well-pleased; I will put My Spirit upon Him and He shall proclaim justice to the [Thais]. . . A battered reed He will not break off, and a smoldering wick He will not put out until He leads justice to victory. And in His Name the [Thai People] will hope." Matthew 12:18-21

He is the victor. He will hold my heart and lead me, as a new self, through a life full of patterns and relationships that must be navigated anew. He is the author and finisher of faith. And HE will bring the Thais to hope. The work is His.

Praise Jesus.

Days 9 & 10

It's interesting what snags you come across on the mission field and the extra mental acuity it seems to take to convince yourself, "It's all okay!"

Thursday morning the rain kept us from group prayer time. The sun was shining again just in time for meeting up to teach English. That has been a blessing and a constant each week day. We are never certain who is going to show up, but we always know God has ordained the time.

After lunch we walked to the beach for a team meeting to discuss plans for the next several days. Ros and Ed have a spot they frequent, and, since many of us are without phones and a way to communicate, it's always a good place to find one another.

Nopparattara Beach is speckled with Thais, each peddling his or her particular massage hut. The salesman or saleswoman rarely administers massages. Rather, he or she tends to be the best English speaker and most able to engage foreigners to come make a purchase. I had asked Dusty to take the sand and not the road because I wasn't in the mood to reject the kind advances of all the salespeople. But suddenly he was upon us. Hustling across the sand, "Tom" - likely not his given name - offered us sliced pineapple, handed us a flyer and proceeded to walk us down the beach all the time chatting us up about where we were from, if we liked the sun (because of our white skin lol), explaining how the Thais prefer the rain, etc, etc. I'm an easy mark. I think my demeanor screams, "Pick me. I won't say no." But that's why we're here, right? To love on the Thais? Yes, it is! So I listened and questioned him back. He is from the Northeastern part of the country. He came here three years ago to earn money, some of which he sends back to support his family.

Then the conversation became instantly spiritual. He told me sometimes he must go to the temple and give offerings so the gods will bless him or give him luck. I listened for a bit, praying all the time, then asked if I could share what we do. I explained in broken English with one or two Thai words that we pray to Praht Jao (exalted God) and Praht Jesu. That we don't have to worry because He loves us and provides all we need. When we reached our stopping point, I told him I had to meet friends but would try to come back tomorrow and that I would pray - that God would show him His love and blessings.

As if to force me not to abandon my oath, I woke this morning with horrible pain in my neck. After taking several ibuprofen to no avail and being tired of lying on my back, I decided to go see Tom's people and run the risk that a massage would bring more healing than harm. I had the opportunity to chat with him a little more, and I am praying God reveals Himself to Him in a dream or vision. I'm not sure what God is going to do there, but I know He cares for Tom.

As I walked home I thought of Tom and O-ay, Nok, Booee, Camel, Chrishna, Sah . . . the list of faces that surpasses the names I can recall. My heart broke as I considered leaving them. I know my calling is not to be here permanently, but the thought of them being stuck here in the dark as I return to so much light is terrifying. Were it not for Doc and Zina, their family, Ed and Ros, Ong and his family, Chris and April, Jason and Kezia and the few others shining the light in this spiritually opaque land, I would have no hope.    Romans 10:14-15

Day 8 - Spirit and Truth

I wrote back on August 7th about idols - my concern that I not be self-deceived into thinking I am "above" worshiping falsely just because my idols are not visible.

Every day, here, we face graven images first hand. It is so in-your-face, but I'm still a little startled each time. There is one on a building across the street from where we are staying that just exudes evil. I know that sounds weird, but I pray against it every time I notice it.

Today we hiked Wat Tham Sua. One of the verses God had given me before we left was Zechariah 4:17 "What are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you will become a plain; and he will bring forth the top stone with shouts of 'Grace, grace to it!' " Of course, at the time, I felt it was YHWH's confirmation to us that He would remove obstacles from our path by His power (one meaning of the word "grace"), but you had better believe I spoke "grace" to that mountain as I climbed all promised 1,237 steps (Lisa says it's more like 1250-something). It was especially empowering against certain stairs that were practically knee high!

At the top it's impossible not to be awed and saddened by the magnitude of these creations they have erected to a non-living god - especially when one of the Buddha's final commands ordered them NOT to build idols to him, but to seek the "ever-living" God. I use a capital "g" because I know the deity of whom he spoke even if he was never sure. ;)

Doc referenced Elijah's "battle" with prophets of Baal - when he teased them, "Shout louder. Perhaps your god is sleeping or relieving himself . . ." (1 Kings 18:16-39). The heart-breaking difference is that those worshippers of Baal had known Jehovah. The Thai people have no concept of a Lord who loves them. They only know silent gods or, worse, demons who torment them and keep them from the rest that might give them relief to hear truth.

On the streets there is a sarcasm and a desperation - survival emotions bred of a belief in karma - and as the sun goes down the darkness is palpable. Hatred, lust and apathy leer at me from behind broken eyes. I wish I could reach inside, pull out the Spirit that I have and hand it to them.

And the thing is, friends. I think the Lord is less grieved by their idolatry than by ours. In the West, we do not carve images and seek their favor, or place them on our mountain tops, but we fashion objects in our hearts. We look to each other to make us "happy." We resent one another and abandon promises when we are not satisfied. We even worship God in idolatry sometimes. Just like the Thais with their gods, we seek Him only for His favor or for protection from the things we don't want to face. But do we worship Him in Spirit and in Truth? Do we lay down our lives for others the way He laid His down for us? Are we daily seeking HIM - not just our understanding of Him? Are we surrendering our agendas and comforts each day that  His kingdom might come?

I sit on the beach here and cry that I am SO blessed to have been drawn at a young age to a God who loves me. That I do not have to climb a mountain to worship. That I do not have to build a spirit house to know my God is with me. Rather, He has come down the mountain to me (Oh Jesus, I am so unworthy of Your love!) Rather, His Spirit has made his HOME IN ME!!!  Father, help us who know you to WAKE UP and worship you, as Jesus said, in Spirit and in Truth that Your Spirit may be free to move through us and touch lives. That through us Your fire might fall and people will cry, "The Lord, He is God! The Lord, He is God!"            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03YxgFrDreg

Thailand Day 4 - Unlikely People. Unlikely Places

7-11
We are NEVER awake at 5 in the morning. NEVER. Perhaps that's why we lacked the common sense to realize that feeding him our favorite Thai snacks from 7-11 was less than wise.

Sugar + 9-year-old, empty stomach = jittery at best.

It was 5 a.m. Surely there is grace for that?

At prayer time he flicked and twitched, scooted his chair loudly, broke my reverence by lovingly touching my arm and urged me to stop crying . . .
"AGH! Sugar. Empty Stomach!" I shook my head. "Lord, how do we help him see the magnitude of all this? Is it possible?"
". . . by my Spirit, says the Lord," came the whisper. (Zechariah 4:6)

Mcdonalds
"You very good teachah!" the young, Nepali man encouraged Dax as they poured over the children's book between them. Camel (my own student) laughed along. Dax and I guided their pronunciation of tough words like "through" and "bear" (Bhalu in Hindi. Yup should have remembered that one!) and they giggled at our attempts to mimic their native tongue. They shared with smiles the sad details of having to live here, alone, to find work. Ed and Ros teach them English - which raises their value at the Indian Restaurants where they're employed - and the love of Jesus.

Daxton flicked and twitched, scooted his chair too loudly, laughed with his new friends and reiterated God's love through his time and his presence. He asked them crazy, seemingly-irrelevant questions, and they all snickered together - connected by some global level of boyishness. The Spirit is vast, beyond mere "sensibility" or convention, and He is good!

The Strip
We walked the street, following Ros's lead as she called to the locals.
"Two minutes? Five minutes?" She asked in her sweet, South African cadence. They call her Mama or Madame and take their smoke breaks to read through a children's book with her.
"How much?" One taxi driver asked. His face flashed astonishment when she told him it cost nothing. In a land where Westerners come mostly to use and take, Ed and Ros shine brightly. Brittany and I sat, transfixed as she shared story after story of the Burmese, Nepalese and Thais she has ministered to: Nok - who accepted Christ just a month ago and has already led 7 or 8 others to the Lord ("That I know of," Ros laughed). The young man Dax had taught earlier - who just days ago said, "Mama, I no more Hindu. I Christian now."  The ten-year-old, Garoob, who is living and working here ALONE! His mother is back in India, and he works twelve to fifteen hour days!
"I really hope Dax can meet him," she said. So. Do. I.

The Restaurant
I had to sit on the side of the bed and pray to surrender my spirit again. I don't love performing in my country - and here we were going to sing in front of people, many of whom do not even speak our language. Insecurity. Fear of seeming arrogant. Whatever it was, I gave it to Him and walked down the stairs to meet everyone else. It was during "Say Your Name" that I saw them. Just before the chorus where we break into an intense cry of the name JESUS, I locked eyes with the brilliant smile of a Muslim woman! Tears overtook me as I sang His Name - now with my whole soul and prayed she and her friend and their precious boys would hear His heart, His Spirit in His Name. I wondered if they would walk away when they realized who we were singing about, but they stayed. Rachel blasted her Celtic fiddle down the strip and the little boys danced. Zina busted out gospel tracks and shared the love of Jesus. Still they stayed. After we had all finished, Ed came to me.

"Tammi, these ladies are from Dubai. They are leaving in the morning, but wondered where they could find your music." With a humble heart I sat across the table from these two beautiful Muslim women and shared our information with them - wishing desperately I just had something to put in their hands. "It's such a blessing we heard you tonight," one of them said, "we leave for home in the morning. Your husband has such a melodic voice!" He laughed out loud (awkwardly so) when I told him she had said that. Dax held my hand as we prayed the Spirit of Christ would continue to draw them and that they might become ministers of the gospel of peace in their circles of influence.

Doc said it well tonight, "I've just learned, God doesn't usually make sense, but 'trust not in your own understanding.' " And as my boys would quote it, ". . . in ALL your ways, SEEK HIM, and HE will direct your paths." Even when you've had little sleep and too much sugar! Oh amazing, equipping and exhausting Presence of God - where will you lead tomorrow? . . .

"Life as a Music Video" Monday

If you're like me, music is like an extension of your soul. I am convinced I would be perfectly content if situationally appropriate songs hovered over me like a theatrical rain cloud. So, to share that affection for melody, harmony and all the ways they apply to our every day... welcome to "Life as a Music Video" Mondays.

Song: Wherever You Go   Artist:  Audrey Assad

“Can you just sit with me a minute,” Champion whispered into my heart. I glanced wistfully at the clean silverware and decided it could wait. I took a seat at my table; at His feet. 

Just then, Audrey’s voice pierced the open air of the messy kitchen and my heart. “I’m coming for you, coming for you wherever you go.”

I have a chronic problem with trying to live out of my own strength. It’s usually a subtle shift, but all at once, I’ll feel it. Like an awkward stare - so intense you have to stop and look up. As I glance around, I’ll see His eyes - yards or days or heartbeats away from where I have taken my own path.

All at once the weight of my efforts will cripple me, and the tears fall in the silly realization that I’ve done it again. But He, my Champion, just comes to me with a compassionate gaze. “This way, love.” He whispers, as he lifts me to my feet, brushes the dust from my knees and leads me on, a knowing smile on His redemptive lips.

And I don’t understand... why He keeps fighting for me. I know it’s not because of MY virtue. Ha ha! I know it’s because of His beauty, His faithfulness - measureless and utterly inhuman. 

That day, as He wrapped my heart in His again, I thought of you - all the girls I love. We all strive in so many ways, and, yes, I know - there is much to be done. But it can be accomplished in peace and grace if we will take off our Martha mind and put on our Mary heart. It’s there at His feet; it’s there in His heart, His eyes. There is no greater bliss - and the silverware can wait at least a few minutes more... 

He has come for you... LISTEN <3   (Jeremiah 2:13; Jeremiah 31:3-6)

Wherever You Go (Link)

Buy it (Cause it's Audrey, and she's that amazing!)

“Life as a Music Video” Monday

If you're like me, music is like an extension of your soul. I am convinced I would be perfectly content if situationally appropriate songs hovered over me like a theatrical rain cloud. So, to share that affection for melody, harmony and all the ways they apply to our everyday... welcome to "Life as a Music Video" Mondays.

Song: Outta My Mind  Band:  Anthem Lights

It was a bit of a rough week. People hurting people - people hurting me. Somehow I’d slipped back into the lie that I had some semblance of power when it came to others’ actions or attitudes... apparently not noticing as I sidled through the backdoor of that mindset. But my Champion, who will never let me stay content in brokenness, allowed the false walls to crumble once again - revealing a well-known backdrop of disillusionment. And like Jonah, I was cranky over the death of a vine I had never given life to in the first place.

Seeing a lie and climbing out of it are two different things. I struggled for days to surrender my mindset - rifling through details that, if I could simply understand, might lead me to avoiding this feeling in the future (yah right - because that’s how you grow... through avoidance... lol). 

It was in said struggle that I found myself driving down the road, my 3 little princes belted safely behind me. The wind tossed our chariot around a bit, and as the line of cars in front of me slowed inexplicably, I had an extra moment to catch sight of a hawk. You’ve seen little birds in high wind, right? The way they hover in mid-air, riding currents invisible to our eyes? Always beautiful. And here was this HAWK - massive, majestic bird; gorgeous wingspan - floating on the wind without the slightest effort. It was breathtaking. I had never before seen a bird of that size conquering such a feat.

The Spirit stirred within my spirit and my Champion whispered in wordless truths. There will always be downdrafts: circumstances we absolutely cannot control, people we can’t stop from hurting those we love, people condemning our best intentions. But we have a choice. We can let the downdrafts have us, sucking us deeper toward a fallen earth, or we can soar on the wind, allowing a greater Hand to lift us beyond mere, visible horizons. Just then this song came on the radio and completed the refrain.  Our minds can become a trap, a downdraft, unless we surrender to His heart. It doesn’t always have to make sense. And when we surrender our thoughts to Him (2 Cor. 10:5), He lifts us up on the wings of the unseen... faith. And when we're trusting Him in each breath - that's when He can really use us! Check out the song here.