2010 - A Year of Blessing

I'm laughing to myself as I note that, while I'm starting this in a timely manner, and it will probably say it was posted in early December, it's not likely I'll actually post it until . . . oh, the DAY I finally get my Christmas cards sent, so . . . March? LOL.

As you can tell, 2010 has not made me any more or organized, but it has been an amazing year. I think the word "Blessed" would best define it.

Dusty continues to move ahead like a force of nature: providing tirelessly for us, pouring into his boys, being my best friend and leading the vision at Connections to get out the message of Christ. Last Easter Connections (a.k.a. CX) moved into a small storefront, lovingly dubbed "our first apartment." With its two tiny classrooms and ONE toilet (nope, not even joking), it has proved a blessing and a challenge. This summer we were approved to lease adjacent space for classrooms (and an additional bathroom - Hallelujah!). If he's not working with crews at CX, he's on the phone encouraging contractors and city officials to help us expedite the process. His passion to help raise up a body of people who will live the message of Jesus . . . well, it boggles my mind sometimes. I am truly blessed to be at his side.

Daxton entered the wild world of first grade this year! Originally we were concerned as he took the transition from kindergarten pretty hard. However, he embraced the challenge, rising to the top of his class and really enjoying the power and freedom found in his reading skills. He is such a happy young man and a HUGE help with his little brothers. But, more than all that, we are so excited about his heart for the things of God. The other day, in one of our discussions about salvation he said, "Well, how in the world could I NOT believe in that?" Dax turned 7 in November. He has always been such a delight. We cannot wait to see what he does next!

Draes turned 3 in June. He is so passionate and confident. His choleric (administrator) tendencies have been evident since he was tiny; he sees the world through a definitive set of glasses and feels you should too ;). So it has been fun, this year, to watch him take joy in and embrace others. He says hello to EVERYONE we pass, usually followed quickly by, "Ya know? It's Dax's BIRTHDAY!" That has been the most exciting thing to him for about 2 months running. He has all his letters and sounds down, so we've turned our main focus to counting to 100. Like his daddy, he will stick to something until he has accomplished it. Draes is SUCH a hard worker and so joyful! I eagerly await his appearance each day and his exultant, "Good mowning!"

Dezdin turned 2 in November. Still our most content and docile, he is learning how to make himself heard. It is so strange to have such a soft-spoken person in our midst. Ha ha. Dez contentedly watches and listens to most of the goings on. Then, once in awhile, he will toss out a complete, articulate sentence. The whole family seems to hush at the sound of his rarely-heard voice! He's also learning to use his stealth to his advantage and my dismay. Recently, Draes has taken to tattling on him, so that helps evade SOME chaos. He is learning his letters and numbers alongside his older brother, and he takes great joy in the new-found world of Play-do! Dez is a tender spirit, adored by all who know him, and a joy to my heart. I cannot imagine who we would have been without him!

I know it has been a trying year in America, and the world round. Struggling economies weigh heavily on people and families, straining relationships and, sometimes, breaking them. While the year has not been an "easy" one for us either, we can never say we are anything but blessed. At present, we are all healthy. We have been blessed to keep our home which allowed us the privilege of housing family for a few months - such a blessing to provide that. Dusty and I often muse that we are nothing remarkable that we should have the great privilege of leading a ministry like CX - filled with people who understand the call to live radically for Christ, and strive to answer it - yet, here we are. What an honor; what a blessing. And above all, we are blessed with the presence of Christ, Emmanuel, God with us. This world would be a great despair without Him.

God's grace and our love to each of you. We pray you feel the depth of His love in 2011, and the weight of his blessings - which outweigh anything the world has to offer. Ephesians 1:3

Love,

Dusty, Tammi, Dax, Drae and Dez

True Reality

Some long-distance friends of ours have been through an extremely difficult year. Last September, they lost their 6-month-old baby girl to an aggressive brain tumor. I've been mystified as I have read her blogs and posts and emails about what they have endured and how Jesus has brought them through.

Well, this week they cried and rejoiced as they brought their new baby girl into the world! Not a replacement. . . rather, a choice to love again, to trust God, even still.

I am SO moved by their stories - I wanted to share it with others. This week I have been surrounded by discouragement, disunity in the Body, petty jealousies . . . it has weighted my heart to the ground. But then I read my friend's blog - and I was reminded, again, what TRUE reality is, the hope of this life and eternity - and where our focus should really be.

I hope it challenges you toward that as well.

Read their story here.

Rest Easy

I'm lying on my bed, my sweet three-year-old falling asleep beside me. Daddy decided to reward Dax with a movie tonight, so Draes gets to drift off in our bed until such time as the movie has ended and he can be moved into his room. 

He looks so angelic, so peaceful. In this moment, it's hard to even believe it POSSIBLE that such a child could even CONSIDER throwing a tantrum. (heh heh) And he went to sleep so easily - no fighting or begging for one more drink...

I remember sleeping in my parents' room a few times. It really was more restful there. Was it the nearness? Was there some greater danger in my bedroom - a mere five feet across the hall - than in theirs? I'm not sure, but I never had a nightmare in my mother's bed. And I never woke up randomly through the night. It was a true, deep rest.

God offers us that kind of rest. Matthew 11:28 says if we come to Him, He will give us rest. Isaiah says He will keep us in PERFECT peace if we keep our thoughts on Him. So why do we often find ourselves crying in our beds, as it were? We stare at the closet door or the floor of our lives, petrified the monsters might emerge when, in truth, we need only to jump to our feet and take the 5 deliberate steps into his arms to find all our fears fading. 

Why do we fight so hard to hold on to our monsters? Why do we ask God to meet us on our trembling ground, when, if we would run to his solid place we could find true repose? Is it because we are unsure of Him? Hasn't he proven Himself in the past? Or is it because we fear what His peace might cost us? Perhaps there are certain things we've grown to like about our monsters?

It is true, God's methods are not always certain, but they are always good. I guess the question is, then, is the peace worth the price? I look again at the angelic child by my side. To have such a rest in spirit? Yes, I believe it's worth it.

Run to His arms today. Seek Him while He may be found. Lay down everything that's holding you back and run to Him. He will be there. I pray you find the courage to rest easy.

Water Color Ponies

Lately I've been struck by the changes in my boys:

Dax is increasingly more conscious about seeming "not-babyish,"

Draes is losing that toddler belly and getting taller and more articulate.

Dez is talking more all the time and growing increasingly independent.

It's a bittersweet thing. We want our children to grow and become all that God created them to be. But I ache, having to say goodbye to all the tender things that were.

The other night, Draes had fallen asleep with his hand wrapped around mine. As I marveled at his round features and still-tiny fingers, a song began singing through my head.

It's a song that brought tears to my eyes even as a child - in the 80's, when it was released. It's a song about cherishing what is, and rejoicing in what is to come. If you're a parent, I hope the words bless you. And, as my dear friend said this week, "Don't blink."

Tam

Watercolor Ponies by Wayne Watson
There are watercolour ponies
On my refrigerator door
And the shape of something I don't really recognize
Brushed with careful little fingers
And put proudly on display
A reminded to us all of how time flies
Seems an endless mound of laundry
And a stairway laced with toys
Gives a blow by blow reminder of the war
That we fight for their well-being
For their greater understanding
To impart a holy reverence for the Lord
Chorus
But baby, what will we do
When it comes back to me and you
They look a little less like little boys every day
Oh the pleasure of watchin' the children growin'
Is mixed with a bitter cup
Of knowin' the watercolour ponies
Will one day ride away
And the vision can get so narrow
As you view thru your tiny world
And little victories can go by with no applause
But in the greater evaluation
As they fly from your nest of love
May they mount up with wings as eagles for His cause
Chorus

Daddy?

Ok, so you know I am shameless about the fact that my kids are my greatest practical analogies for spiritual things. I am a theoretical thinker - love diving into the recesses of theology and speculation. Practicality is not my strong suit - and that is one reason I love my kids. They make it all so practical. So, here is my latest shameless analogy... :)

We had Dezdin dedicated on Mother's day, and I wanted to share a little story about him.

One of Dez's favorite words is Daddy - or to be more specific, Daa-eeeee. He rarely says Momma...ever. But I love it because he is the only one who has been that way, so it's great for Dusty's heart ;).

ANYWAY, the other day, I was in the kitchen and heard him saying, "Daa-eeee? Daaa-eeee! Daaaa-eeee? Daaaa-eeee!" When I went to see what he was doing, I found him standing in the middle of his father's empty office, just calling for Dusty, over and over. 

Eighteen-months-old, the place he most associates with is father is that office (or "the war room" as Dusty lovingly refers to it). He stood there calling - as if he assumed his father would simply materialize in his office chair. There was no doubt in his mind that this was where his father should be found.

As the image warmed my heart all day, I began thinking about my heavenly "daa-eee." And I began asking myself, "Is that how I pursue Him?" Do I stand and wait, calling on His Name, knowing beyond doubt that if I persevere, He will show up? Or do I look for Him in places He will not be found? Do I seek Him only until I'm bored or tired of waiting?

From now on I know, whenever I am growing impatient in waiting on Jesus, I will see in my heart, the picture of a little boy calling in faith for his "daa-eee" :), and I will be encouraged to wait in faith.

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Lessons from Draes

This week in his sermon, Dusty gave some great insight into our second son. "If it's closed, Draes thinks it needs to be opened." It was so true and simply put, but to me it is so profound. It applies to so much of Drae's nature.

He is my "revealer."

Cookies, purses, doors, markers - all missing caps, lids, covers, left open...

Any injustice I might have missed is quickly brought to my attention by my number 2.

Even his personality - it's not always polite or comfortable, but you never have to wonder about Drae's emotional state. He is an open book - the good the bad and the ugly.

We do our best to teach and channel that, but I pray he never loses his ability to live real.

Draes will try about anything, unless he won't. There is simply no grey! It makes me laugh. He will jump with both feet from heights that twist my stomach. He will climb anything without thinking twice, but he won't put one foot in a swimming pool.

He knows when to be brave. He knows when to be vulnerable.

It's common for him to ask me to help him with the simplest tasks - things he can fully do on his own. At first it baffled me, and then I realized, "He just wants me to be involved."

"Mommy, please take a my han?" he will query as he descends the stairs.

"Mommy, please kiss a my owwie?" though we both know there is no instant healing.

And then today, "Mommy please help a my fingews?" he asked while hanging from the kitchen counter, knees bent, completely able to stand on his own.

It struck me. He wants reassurance. He wants me to engage him and he is unashamed to ask.

I need, I WANT to be like that in my relationship with Christ. Yes, there is a lot I can probably do on my own, but what does that prove? That I can live apart from Him? Is that something I want? Is it something I want to prove? What greater things can I accomplish if I simply have the unmitigated vulnerability to ask Him to be in every part of my life, no matter how small, no matter how able I am?

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that the Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Without love, it's meaningless...

Our sweet Dezdin is sick. Of course, I hate that, but I also cherish these times because he lets me rock him. We probably spent 45 minutes cuddling in that rocking chair.

Praying for his peace, I began to speak the love chapter over him. 1 Corinthians 13. I had memorized it when Draes was born. My post-partum had been so bad with Dax - and I feared it would be again - I committed to recite the love chapter at each late-night feeding, during the screaming and sleeplessness of those first weeks. I did it to keep my mind focused on the purpose and not the fear.

Tonight as I was speaking God's word over my 3rd baby, and thinking about this, the love month :), my heart zeroed in on the first 3 verses.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

1 Cor. 13:1-3

It doesn't matter how much we know, how well we can sing, how we dress, what we think, how much charity or mission work we do. If we don't LOVE - and not just pat you on the head love, but gut wrenching tears, wake-me-up-at-night-to-pray, very-heart-of-God love - God's not impressed.  And it can only come from Him. We don't have the stuff to create within ourselves a perfect, selfless love for others - only Jesus can give us His Agape. Do we LOVE people? Or do we just like to tell them what to do? Do we LOVE people? Or do we simply like to point out their wrongs and show them how smart we are?

One of the toughest things to do is speak the TRUTH in LOVE.

I love the phrase "truth without love is a hammer."

Next time we want to hammer someone :) Let's try asking for His Agape - because He'll give it to us. Jesus said all the law and the prophets were summed up in loving God with everything and loving others as ourselves. He wants us to succeed!

It takes patience - that's for sure. Maybe we could memorize the love chapter while we wait :).

Tonight...

Ministry isn't always easy, because you're engaging in life with people. And life isn't easy.

Sometimes wounded people wound you, because they think you're in leadership, so, therefore you must be strong. Or maybe they just think you're more likely to forgive.

Sometimes people don't believe in what you're doing - and you have to love them anyway.

Sometimes people don't like you (or your husband lol) and you get to love them anyway.

Sometimes you've given all you have, and so have your kids, and it's still not enough.

Some nights you look into the face of God and say, "Love, I think you picked the wrong girl. I'm not tough enough for this."

And then you have tonights... :)

Tonight I had the privilege of worshiping with people who were singing out to God so loudly I could hear them over the instruments.

Tonight I got to listen to 4 people testify about how Jesus has changed their lives. And I thought about the craigslist ad that had brought the couple who invited the couple who posted another ad that brought in another guy. 3 of them were baptized tonight, and that young man is ravaging the BSU campus for Jesus and loving people like I can't believe.

Tonight I looked around a room at so many people who are giving God another chance because of so many others in that same room who are trying to live in love.

Tonight I witnessed my baby being held by a precious teen girl who feels God is calling her to children's ministry - and I thought, THIS is WHY!

Tonight I observed my two-year-old getting drenched as one of the guys built a snowman in the fresh falling powder - and I thought, THIS is family!

Tonight I watched my six-year-old witnessing others' coming up out of the water - a symbol of new life, a new creation - and I thought, THIS IS WORTH IT!

Tonight I was romanced by the Savior of my soul - a romance I don't deserve, yet he lavishes it on me.

Tomorrow might be painful. Tomorrow may bring struggle. Tomorrow, you may wonder.

But TONIGHT~ 

Tonight is why we're called, and why we step out in faith.

Thanks for tonight, Jesus.

Galatians 6:9-10