Anticipating Arrival

She is supposed to be here soon.

It was not our plan. I had finally told God I was content with my 3 (even though something in my spirit had always felt like we would have 4).

It was not our timing. I had hoped to be finished having kiddos a few years ago - DEFINITELY before 35.

It has not been our way. From the shocking moment when they revealed she would be a little girl (What? We don't MAKE baby girls!) to the quieting realization moments later that not all was "normal" on the screen we have fallen more and more on unanswered questions and the faith that sustains just beneath.

The beautiful reality surrounding this little girl, though, is that all along she HAS been and WILL be . . . HIS.

The reality that he put #4 in my heart so many years ago... The truth that we would not have pursued having another... The absolute discomfort of not knowing, yet having no option but to look into His eyes and focus on His voice, "Do not fear."

I have never been so overcome with anticipation for the unknown. Lost. Excited. Anxious. Waiting. Resting. Wrestling.

We still have little idea what to expect. Genetic tests would not have changed our course and weren't a real financial option. AND we didn't have peace to pursue them. All I know certainly is that she is coming, and she is HIS.

Her room is being made ready. She is on our tongues at every other conversation - already a part of the family and our hearts. And yet she remains ... with us and not simultaneously.

For the first time I feel a practical understanding for how we are to watch and prepare for the return of Christ while still LIVING in this world. Being in but not of - "One foot in heaven," a friend has said.

Of course she is no messiah - no savior. And yet, there is something - a promise - a purpose - more we will see once she is here.

Thank you to those who have been praying. We ask continued prayer for her, God's will concerning her and for peace. As we wait in anticipation . . .

The "No Complaints" Challenge (For Women Only)

Here it comes! February. A month of hearts and chocolate, flowers, the color red and, for many of us, disappointment. If you’re single, this month can make you feel flawed, broken or abandoned. If you’re in a relationship, you may face the sting of unmet expectations as the culture around you pumps harder the “need” for the high they insist should come from “romance.” 

This year, spurred on by the story of my good friend Laura in a book she has written, I feel led to pursue the challenge of contentment. A.K.A. the “No Complaints” challenge. How many times a day do we notice, point out or pout about what is wrong with the picture of our lives - even if that’s in the mirror?

What if the greatest Valentine we could give to a spouse, our kids, friends, Savior and even OURSELVES is to stop complaining and truly seek to be content?

Here is how it works:

1. I’m going to choose a bracelet, or maybe a ring.
2. Every time I allow something negative or critical to come out of my mouth, I slip that ring or bracelet off and move it to the other hand.
3. I’m even bringing my kiddos in on the challenge because sometimes what I think is constructive or factual is actually critical. They can help me see that. (The husband? Maybe asking him to ride along will be his Valentine. I’m a little more sensitive to his scrutiny. Baby steps people. Baby steps!)
4. My hope is that every time I execute that switch I will become more aware of my thought patterns and as I look at and touch that pretty, little ornament, I will choose to pursue the beauty of contentment and encouragement.

Now, I still plan on being honest! It’s ok to say, “Today has been rough,” or “I’m really hurting.” But those are vulnerable statements and a far cry from, “This house is always a mess,” or “No one listens to me,” etc. 

Think of a day in which every word from your mouth was a blessing and not a curse (Deut. 30:19-20). Can you imagine the outcome? Sweeter than candy! More fragrant than any rose!  So, join me if you’d like love to outlive February.

Here’s the link to our facebook group. (Click anywhere on that last sentence.) Find the page, then private message me if you’d like to join.

"I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:12-13).

Gifts and Surprises - A Taylor 2013 Recap

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."

I am not a gift-giver. Ha ha. I would LOVE to be - I'm just bad at it. This time of year is always a mental marathon as I try to decide what or how to give and to whom. What will be meaningful, but not wasteful? It's by and large because I'm not a "stuff" person. I value time. Want to give me a gift? Take me to coffee; let's have a philosophical conversation about ... well ANYTHING, really :D.

And then there is Dusty - the EPIC gift giver. Oh! And not only will he give the perfect gift, he'll have seen it materialize out of thin air for 25% of what one would normally pay for it. Ya. He's amazing.

All that and the focus of remembering Christ's entrance upon the stage of our planet - the gift and surprise of grace that His presence, life and death would bring - turns my mind to gifts at year's end. We have been given a great many gifts and surprises this year. Even struggle, I have come to see, is a precious gift from the Father as His hand curves around me and draws me into His side, under His wings.

Dezdin turned 5 in November. His life continues to be our favorite surprise to date. He is self-motivated, independent and a deep thinker. I'm often blown away by his assessments of the world around him and the depth of his spiritual questions. Though he would LOVE to be in school, the deadline holds him off until next fall, so he has been my little sidekick as we navigate the day. I've enjoyed teaching and prepping him for school this year and having the time to get to know him better - just us.

Draes turned 6 in June and is a delightfully-wrapped package of service and encouragement. Anyone who has met him is nodding as they read this. Dusty and I stand in awe at the ability he possesses to just pour love on people. It's amazing and humbling to unwrap aspects of your children you KNOW you have not passed on or cultivated. Every day, he teaches us what it is to find joy in serving and edifying others. My favorite thing is seeing the surprise and joy in a stranger's face when he randomly blurts out, "You're really smart! Have a great day!"

Daxton reached double digits this year. I can remember how terrified I was to be first-time mom. Now I wake each day to the gift of this young-man becoming. He's still very "kid," but has crossed new barriers of confidence and leadership this year. It's such a treasure to enjoy my time with him and realize with anticipation that I'm excited to be his friend one day down the road. His dad and I had the privilege of taking him with us to Thailand in August. We have always wanted to begin young laying a passion in our kids' hearts for missions and service. It was amazing to watch him adapt so effortlessly into a foreign culture and love the people like they were merely new neighbors (click for more!).

Dusty . . . I know I say the same thing about him every year, but it's true. He is like whirling, highly-productive tornado navigating ministry, (click to see Dusty!) business and family. I marvel at the way he relates to the boys - so thankful. Though I can meet their emotional needs, I cannot understand their "manliness" as he does. It's fun to watch their esteem and sense of identity grow in his presence. I don't know how, but in addition to all that, he still finds time to be my friend and do some of the things he loves. This month we are releasing a new album (click to link): songs he wrote sung by several members of the Connections worship team. I have loved watching him take songs that came from his heart and share them - even ownership of them - with others for their joy, worship and experience. We were also able to collaborate with some of our prior bandmates again. That is always a gift.

I (Tammi) have unwrapped a great deal of joy this year. The first gift being my precious family, I have also been able to watch God bring healing and freedom to many people through transforming prayer. Having journeyed - and continuing to walk - this healing road myself, it's cathartic to bear witness with others as the Spirit leads them into truth and sets them free. I have learned not to run from pain, but rest in it and let the Lord use it to knit my heart more fully to His (sounds churchy, I know, but it's the picture in my mind) and heal through it toward greater freedom. I experienced this in a very real way in Thailand - you can read that blog by clicking here. I've also learned that as difficult as it is, healing is highly preferable to "running" on a broken leg. After returning from Thailand, I was ill and in bed for close to a month. Thinking it was just jet lag ... led to wondering if it was a parasite ... led to scheduling a doctor's appointment ... led to realizing we were actually PREGNANT! Yup! Surprise! Ha ha. So although IN THAILAND I had told God my heart was content with three kiddos, He laughingly revealed #4 was already on the way. He does that with me - puts things on my heart so the crazy timing won't completely uproot me. Didn't plan to have a baby this close to 40, but we trust Him and know His gifts are more than we can ask or imagine.

I am thankful for this - that while I am not a great gift-giver, He is. And His gifts (even when they are packaged in ugly wrapping or come, seemingly, too early or too late) are true and lasting... even eternal in the case of Jesus. And we are grateful for another year of gifts AND surprises. Our prayers are with you and yours. May you have eyes to look back on 2013 with gratitude and ahead with hope and anticipation in the One who holds all things and from whom comes "every good and perfect gift" (James 1:17).

All our love,

Dusty, Tam, Dax, Drae, Dez and TBA Taylor ;)

Today

I apologize for my silence the last couple days. I've been wrestling with some things and not sure how or what to share.

At this moment, it is 3:45 am. I am sitting in a hotel in Bangkok, waiting for the taxi to take us to the airport. I am overwhelmed. As Brittany's alarm went off this morning to the song "Restless" by Switchfoot, I was overcome with tears.

How do I go home? I am not the same. (You never are after experiences like this. I knew that was coming.) I know I am not called here full time, like some. But I am not the same Tammi I was. It will affect everything. I will return to my life somewhat an alien. And I don't want to go back and just add this to a list of photographs in the mental album of my life.

But in my devotions, God led me to this:

"Behold my servant whom I have chosen; M beloved in whom My soul is well-pleased; I will put My Spirit upon Him and He shall proclaim justice to the [Thais]. . . A battered reed He will not break off, and a smoldering wick He will not put out until He leads justice to victory. And in His Name the [Thai People] will hope." Matthew 12:18-21

He is the victor. He will hold my heart and lead me, as a new self, through a life full of patterns and relationships that must be navigated anew. He is the author and finisher of faith. And HE will bring the Thais to hope. The work is His.

Praise Jesus.

Days 11 & 12

Saturday, I was still in a great deal of pain, so Dusty and Dax went to teach English. Ros said in the slow season the people have more time to come so they make themselves available more often. The location teaching (at McDonalds) is relatively new. She used to simply walk the streets and teach whomever was interested.

Pain is a distractor. I'm frustrated that it is keeping me either down or unable to invest my whole self. But, today I found a Thai New Testament. Long story, but I feel like . . . no I KNOW God is telling me to give it to Thom (recently realized I was misspelling his name :/ ). Perhaps the pain will last just as long as it takes to deliver it to him???

Saturday night we gathered in our room for team worship. James and Gail (Irish friends Jeremy and Lisa had met when they were here) had arrived and joined us. It's a precious, crazy-amazing thing to gather as the Body when there are so few of you. I feel like I understand better why such amazing things happened in the Acts church. Of course they wanted to fellowship and break bread together EVERY DAY. Of course they soaked up the apostle's teaching like sponges. When those who share your faith and values are less than 1% of the population, having time with said saints is a deep breath of pure oxygen.

This morning we had ACC and shortly after were scheduled to head out to another village to teach English. I was concerned about the time frame. Since God had made the directive clear that I was to give a New Testament to Thom, and because my neck really needed to be worked on again, I wanted to get to the #10 hut before we left. "Lord, help it to fit," I prayed. Interestingly, the resort where we meet asked us to end early that day due to other events going on! Hmmm. I thought. I had spent the better part of service (yes, while listening ;) ) searching my Bible for salvation scriptures and then, by counting books, locating them in the Thai New Testament and underlining them. I figured, if he only thumbed through it, these might catch his notice.

I hurried slowly to the spot. "Interestingly" again, the gentleman who did my massage worked almost exclusively on my left side (where my injury is) without my ever mentioning it. Then I gave Thom the New Testament. When I said, "Praht Jao tell me give this to you. You read? Praht Jao uay pan!" He looked at me like I might be slightly mental . . . he's not entirely wrong, ha ha. But I also imagine his gods don't speak to him, so that would be new. It was kind of refreshing, though, that I felt out of my element sharing it with him - much like I feel sharing with people in the states. It reminds me I'm doing what I've been commanded, not what is comfortable. And while that is unsettling, it is also strangely securing. Please pray for the Spirit to draw Thom.

I got back just in time to change and meet the team to head to Kru Salee's village (Jeremy's Muay Thai trainer). They have a beautiful clearing just behind their village where we were able to gather, play games and sing songs to help teach them English. It was extraordinary. They are such a sweet people.

From there, much of the team went on to do manual labor for another ministry in a Sea Gypsy village. Do you know what a sea gypsy is? Yup, me neither. I'll probably google it hereafter or wait for the team to get back and explain. The work their doing is a bit dangerous - working in dirty sea water - so children were not allowed. Between Dusty and me, I suppose they got the better deal.

I ask for your prayers for complete healing of this pain soon. I would like to finish well. It is a great struggle to be effective in this condition. Thank you!

Days 9 & 10

It's interesting what snags you come across on the mission field and the extra mental acuity it seems to take to convince yourself, "It's all okay!"

Thursday morning the rain kept us from group prayer time. The sun was shining again just in time for meeting up to teach English. That has been a blessing and a constant each week day. We are never certain who is going to show up, but we always know God has ordained the time.

After lunch we walked to the beach for a team meeting to discuss plans for the next several days. Ros and Ed have a spot they frequent, and, since many of us are without phones and a way to communicate, it's always a good place to find one another.

Nopparattara Beach is speckled with Thais, each peddling his or her particular massage hut. The salesman or saleswoman rarely administers massages. Rather, he or she tends to be the best English speaker and most able to engage foreigners to come make a purchase. I had asked Dusty to take the sand and not the road because I wasn't in the mood to reject the kind advances of all the salespeople. But suddenly he was upon us. Hustling across the sand, "Tom" - likely not his given name - offered us sliced pineapple, handed us a flyer and proceeded to walk us down the beach all the time chatting us up about where we were from, if we liked the sun (because of our white skin lol), explaining how the Thais prefer the rain, etc, etc. I'm an easy mark. I think my demeanor screams, "Pick me. I won't say no." But that's why we're here, right? To love on the Thais? Yes, it is! So I listened and questioned him back. He is from the Northeastern part of the country. He came here three years ago to earn money, some of which he sends back to support his family.

Then the conversation became instantly spiritual. He told me sometimes he must go to the temple and give offerings so the gods will bless him or give him luck. I listened for a bit, praying all the time, then asked if I could share what we do. I explained in broken English with one or two Thai words that we pray to Praht Jao (exalted God) and Praht Jesu. That we don't have to worry because He loves us and provides all we need. When we reached our stopping point, I told him I had to meet friends but would try to come back tomorrow and that I would pray - that God would show him His love and blessings.

As if to force me not to abandon my oath, I woke this morning with horrible pain in my neck. After taking several ibuprofen to no avail and being tired of lying on my back, I decided to go see Tom's people and run the risk that a massage would bring more healing than harm. I had the opportunity to chat with him a little more, and I am praying God reveals Himself to Him in a dream or vision. I'm not sure what God is going to do there, but I know He cares for Tom.

As I walked home I thought of Tom and O-ay, Nok, Booee, Camel, Chrishna, Sah . . . the list of faces that surpasses the names I can recall. My heart broke as I considered leaving them. I know my calling is not to be here permanently, but the thought of them being stuck here in the dark as I return to so much light is terrifying. Were it not for Doc and Zina, their family, Ed and Ros, Ong and his family, Chris and April, Jason and Kezia and the few others shining the light in this spiritually opaque land, I would have no hope.    Romans 10:14-15

Day 8 - Spirit and Truth

I wrote back on August 7th about idols - my concern that I not be self-deceived into thinking I am "above" worshiping falsely just because my idols are not visible.

Every day, here, we face graven images first hand. It is so in-your-face, but I'm still a little startled each time. There is one on a building across the street from where we are staying that just exudes evil. I know that sounds weird, but I pray against it every time I notice it.

Today we hiked Wat Tham Sua. One of the verses God had given me before we left was Zechariah 4:17 "What are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you will become a plain; and he will bring forth the top stone with shouts of 'Grace, grace to it!' " Of course, at the time, I felt it was YHWH's confirmation to us that He would remove obstacles from our path by His power (one meaning of the word "grace"), but you had better believe I spoke "grace" to that mountain as I climbed all promised 1,237 steps (Lisa says it's more like 1250-something). It was especially empowering against certain stairs that were practically knee high!

At the top it's impossible not to be awed and saddened by the magnitude of these creations they have erected to a non-living god - especially when one of the Buddha's final commands ordered them NOT to build idols to him, but to seek the "ever-living" God. I use a capital "g" because I know the deity of whom he spoke even if he was never sure. ;)

Doc referenced Elijah's "battle" with prophets of Baal - when he teased them, "Shout louder. Perhaps your god is sleeping or relieving himself . . ." (1 Kings 18:16-39). The heart-breaking difference is that those worshippers of Baal had known Jehovah. The Thai people have no concept of a Lord who loves them. They only know silent gods or, worse, demons who torment them and keep them from the rest that might give them relief to hear truth.

On the streets there is a sarcasm and a desperation - survival emotions bred of a belief in karma - and as the sun goes down the darkness is palpable. Hatred, lust and apathy leer at me from behind broken eyes. I wish I could reach inside, pull out the Spirit that I have and hand it to them.

And the thing is, friends. I think the Lord is less grieved by their idolatry than by ours. In the West, we do not carve images and seek their favor, or place them on our mountain tops, but we fashion objects in our hearts. We look to each other to make us "happy." We resent one another and abandon promises when we are not satisfied. We even worship God in idolatry sometimes. Just like the Thais with their gods, we seek Him only for His favor or for protection from the things we don't want to face. But do we worship Him in Spirit and in Truth? Do we lay down our lives for others the way He laid His down for us? Are we daily seeking HIM - not just our understanding of Him? Are we surrendering our agendas and comforts each day that  His kingdom might come?

I sit on the beach here and cry that I am SO blessed to have been drawn at a young age to a God who loves me. That I do not have to climb a mountain to worship. That I do not have to build a spirit house to know my God is with me. Rather, He has come down the mountain to me (Oh Jesus, I am so unworthy of Your love!) Rather, His Spirit has made his HOME IN ME!!!  Father, help us who know you to WAKE UP and worship you, as Jesus said, in Spirit and in Truth that Your Spirit may be free to move through us and touch lives. That through us Your fire might fall and people will cry, "The Lord, He is God! The Lord, He is God!"            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03YxgFrDreg