Salvation or Self?

It's a constant struggle: chasing the Kingdom of God while living in the kingdom of the American dream . . .

We live in a nation of "I deserve,""I've worked hard for" and the "self-made man." No, I'm not making a political statement or attempting to sound unpatriotic (though I will confess these days I ascribe much more to a King and a Kingdom than a flag and a country); I'm simply asking us to compare.

Consider those three statements against these of Jesus: "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." "Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth." "Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called sons of God." (Go read all of Matthew 5:1-12 - so sweet to the soul).

I must look in the mirror and ask, each day, "For which am I striving?" Because we try, right? We have great plans to submit our hearts to God - but we get distracted. Just like the Pharisees as they built a box around their God, one new law at a time. Just like Judas as he treasured the thought of a kingdom in his heart over the love of a King. The siren song of prosperity and our nation (yes, even this holiday when we try so desperately to keep the Jesus lid glued atop the increasingly loud return to pagan roots) tugs at us and lulls us, blurring the lines between being in the world and being of it.

Going about during this time has been hard! My spirit is heavy - and I think it is because the Spirit within me grieves over the desperation of the masses, snatching angrily at things, traditions and expectations which will not, cannot ever satisfy. And He cries, "Listen to Me! Hear Me! Come to ME! All you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

And am I any better, when I stand in a line annoyed with the caustic people around me or begrudging the time wasted, than the woman who drags her tantrum-throwing child across the asphalt or who snaps rudely at the cashier because she did not grab the correct sale item?

Am I any better, when I hold people at arms length to keep my heart from being slashed, than the knife-wielding woman flailing frantically in her dark despair, aching for freedom and healing, reaching for the name of Jesus even as she bloodies those who would help her?

I am not. But I have within me a Spirit. I have interceding for me a Savior. I have ordaining me, a Father. And I will overcome. I will let Him change my heart - even as I stand - and sing with my child instead of stewing in frustration. I will enable to him to open my arms, even if the knife pierces me before her head hits my shoulder. I will choose to walk in salvation and not in self.  Jesus help me. May the grace and courage you embraced as you stepped into our frail humanity - in its most vulnerable form - envelop us as we wait for You.