Farewell 2012

As another year draws to its end, I find I am chershing different things. We, like many families, have had both joys and struggles. 12.21.12 didn't happen - so there was that . . . :) Still, tragedy continues around the world and in our own back yard, so each day we remember the treasure it is that our boys are still with us and growing. Having turned 9, 5 and 4 this year, they step closer still toward the little men they were created to be. It’s been precious to see the faith we have prayed and spoken over them begin to pour out spontaneously.

Dusty and a team went to Thailand this summer to help our missionary friends there. When he returned, Daxton began to ask really deep questions about missions and worship. He feels that God is talking to him about things, and wonders if he may some day have a call to vocational ministry. It’s hard to believe he is in third grade. Sometimes I think he should be younger. Other times it feels as though his soul predates our own, so deep are his musings.

Draes is our little prayer warrior - launching into long and heart-felt discourses with heaven over any need, from dinner to diseases. He started Kindergarten this year and instantly became a budding artist and illustrator - constantly drawing. At one point, he was even “selling” his picture books to people to save up money. He was diagnosed with Asthma in July, but it has not slowed him down. He’s anxiously awaiting the start of basketball in January so he can play like his big brother.

Dezdin turned four in November and quickly became the authority on all things - logically. :) He is very bright, teaching himself in both math and reading to the point his dad and I are a little concerned how long we’ll be of value to him. (ha ha). He is also a little singer - often asking us not to sing so he can. He does, however,  concede to let us accompany him. :) His heart for creativity and discovery is astounding. And, every once in awhile, he will break from his conquests to give me a hug or a snuggle. I’ve learned to breathe those moments in and marvel at his very logical approach to life - even God. One evening at dinner he announced, “Guys. God is just protecting us.” “From what?” I asked. “From bad guys,” he stated obviously. 

We thank God each day for who they are, pray for who they are becoming and praise Him for what He teaches us through them.

Dusty continues to lead Connections in the vision to be a Body of believers who rise up to do ministry. It is not an easy model, but God continues to do powerful things in us and our fellow ministers. He plugs away at marketing, real estate and coaching on the side. Last year, the team won the sate 2A trophy! He really enjoys his head coach and the guys on the basketball team. And it’s fun for the boys and I to go with him to games and see him pour in to others in that capacity. As I mentioned, he spent two weeks in Thailand with our team over there. We are hoping to go back this year - maybe even take Daxton. Overall, he is just a great husband, friend, father and provider. We are very grateful for him.

I (Tam) finished writing a novel this last year and joined a writing/publishing group pursuant to some long-term goals and dreams I have. It was exciting to finish. I’m leaving the next steps in God’s hand and time as I really feel my purpose for these days is to pour into the boys as much as I can for the Lord and be a friend and support to Dusty. Being a homemaker and mom can seem so menial at times, but I’m reminded of the precious moments and memories of my childhood that shaped who I am. The Holy Spirit is ever near and constantly reminding that He is with us and has called us. With 2013 upon us, we continue to surrender to His leading and endeavor to listen for His whisper at our every step. We are confident He will be with us. 

May the presence of Christ be with you in the coming year as you seek Him with all your heart (Jer. 29:13). If we can be of any blessing to you or pray for you, please let us know. 

Love, 

Dusty, Tammi, Dax, Draes  and Dezdin

15

THANK YOU . . .

For making me second in your heart. From our first conversation there was a part of my spirit that recognized you belonged first to Jesus, no matter what. Playing second to Him has not always felt logical, but always yielded fruit. I think of the times when my whims or emotions would have led the way. Looking back I'm so thankful. If I were first in your heart, we would likely have had less struggle, but we would also not know the joy of risk and obedience to His heart. There's no question you would do anything for me, but the fact that I know you are His means I would never ask you to do less than His will.

THANK YOU . . .

For living in honor. As mind-boggling as it is for me when you speak well of those who have bad mouthed you for the "ump-teenth" time, or treat kindly someone who views you with contempt, I am reminded it is that grace which has kept our hearts as one. I know my name, as well as that of one who would call you "enemy" is safe on your tongue. You are the champion of every man's character, slaying each criticism with blessing.

THANK YOU . . .

For denying the existence of the mold. It would never occur to you to do it the way it has always been done. For that reason you will undoubtedly change the world. You have already changed mine.

THANK YOU . . .

For pursuing your boys. There is something in the heart of a mother, like an emotional umbilical cord, always tied to the heart of her child. And so, we sometimes believe we could do better for them than any other, even their fathers. But in having boys, I have realized how much they need you. Your love manifests more in presence and experience, in action and stability. They will be great men because they have you.

THANK YOU . . .

For living truth in dark, shadowed moments after the babies came and my mind and body betrayed me. When I could not see to hope, you spoke the truth aloud until I could hear. You asked for truth until I could speak it. Then you lived the truth until I could walk in it. I do not know if I will ever have to be strong for you the way you were and are for me. I do not know how you bore it, but you were my rescuer: God's grace reaching out in flesh to carry the fire until I could see the light again.

I have always known our life was not just about you and me. But "you and me" has become such a beautiful treasure from God as He continues to reveal His grace and plan. It is only fitting that He be glorified, and that you receive my gratitude. THANK YOU . . . for all these things and for making this half of my life more amazing than I ever could have imagined. Happy 15th, Dusty.

Salvation or Self?

It's a constant struggle: chasing the Kingdom of God while living in the kingdom of the American dream . . .

We live in a nation of "I deserve,""I've worked hard for" and the "self-made man." No, I'm not making a political statement or attempting to sound unpatriotic (though I will confess these days I ascribe much more to a King and a Kingdom than a flag and a country); I'm simply asking us to compare.

Consider those three statements against these of Jesus: "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." "Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth." "Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called sons of God." (Go read all of Matthew 5:1-12 - so sweet to the soul).

I must look in the mirror and ask, each day, "For which am I striving?" Because we try, right? We have great plans to submit our hearts to God - but we get distracted. Just like the Pharisees as they built a box around their God, one new law at a time. Just like Judas as he treasured the thought of a kingdom in his heart over the love of a King. The siren song of prosperity and our nation (yes, even this holiday when we try so desperately to keep the Jesus lid glued atop the increasingly loud return to pagan roots) tugs at us and lulls us, blurring the lines between being in the world and being of it.

Going about during this time has been hard! My spirit is heavy - and I think it is because the Spirit within me grieves over the desperation of the masses, snatching angrily at things, traditions and expectations which will not, cannot ever satisfy. And He cries, "Listen to Me! Hear Me! Come to ME! All you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

And am I any better, when I stand in a line annoyed with the caustic people around me or begrudging the time wasted, than the woman who drags her tantrum-throwing child across the asphalt or who snaps rudely at the cashier because she did not grab the correct sale item?

Am I any better, when I hold people at arms length to keep my heart from being slashed, than the knife-wielding woman flailing frantically in her dark despair, aching for freedom and healing, reaching for the name of Jesus even as she bloodies those who would help her?

I am not. But I have within me a Spirit. I have interceding for me a Savior. I have ordaining me, a Father. And I will overcome. I will let Him change my heart - even as I stand - and sing with my child instead of stewing in frustration. I will enable to him to open my arms, even if the knife pierces me before her head hits my shoulder. I will choose to walk in salvation and not in self.  Jesus help me. May the grace and courage you embraced as you stepped into our frail humanity - in its most vulnerable form - envelop us as we wait for You.

Gray is My Favorite Color (no, not 50 shades)

I am a melancholy. I know. I've tried to run from it. I don't always seem so in public because I was trained  by ministry to be "on" for others, but I am a melancholy.

My favorite color is gray.

I love  moody music (well, lots of music, but the moody stuff makes me creative).

I FEEL EVERYTHING to the depths of my spirit and will cry over someone else's plight as easily as my own.

And the personality tests say so, so - who argues with those, right?

Being melancholy used to be a burden. As a child I was hurt deeply and often by (possibly) well-meaning people who too readily shared their disapproval or simply did not share enough approval.

As a teen I developed my hatred for injustice and, because injustice ABOUNDS, I became a dark, brooding herald of all that went awry in the world. I was the face and the attitude for outcry in my circle of influence. And as ugly as it probably was on the outside - the inside felt more dismal still.

I was negative. I was a complainer. I was bitter. I was judgmental. I was scared. I was sad. And it was "everyone else's fault."

Then I met a man. Well, I had really met him YEARS before. I guess it's more accurate to say I got to know him.

Jesus had been in my life since childhood. I knew He was the means and the end to this life. But I had not answered the beckoning of the Spirit. He drew me - but I had not learned to submit to Him. At about age 18 I began to hear the voice of God in my Spirit - not just sense His presence, but feel direction. "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it' " (Isaiah 30:21).

It did not happen overnight, but as I began to submit my heart, my will and ESPECIALLY my thoughts to the Spirit, He started to unwrap the gift of my melancholy. Yes, I said gift. (Psalm 68:18)

I began to see that my pain was a call to run to His arms - a call to love others as deeply as I needed to be loved (something I can only do by His power). Clouds lifted and I understood that my terminal burden for the brokenness and malfeasance in the world was a call to pray and act, not simply sulk, stomp my feet and give up.

And with each revelation came another beautiful tag: freedom, joy, life, breath, hope.

Sometimes healing is not a taking away, but a transforming. And we find that His grace is sufficient and His face is BEAUTIFUL and His love is enough.

However you were created (Psalm 139:14) and whatever your "gift" is - whether it feels like your oyster or your cross to bear - if you will give it to Him, daily, and seek His mind and His heart (Isaiah 55:9), He will reveal the joy of its purpose. And He will give you peace (Number 6:24-26) (Isaiah 26:3).

Gray is still my favorite color. :) And I have become increasingly aware of how it's naturally null shade tends to bring out vibrance in the colors around it: the verdant hues of the pines against a thundercloud; the brilliance of vermillion, gold, amethyst and salmon as the sun breaks through after a storm!

Whatever your "favorite color" - it was given to you by your Creator, and He alone can make you shine in the rainbow of His Promise. Chase His heart. (Philippians 2:12-16a) (Jeremiah 29:13).

Love to you.
Truth in love,
Tam

To All the Girls I've Loved (and Still Do :D)

Last week I had a great conversation with a friend about an ongoing issue. Most women I talk to seem to want the same thing: deeper relationship, richer relationship, more relationship. I hear it from so many, "I just need stronger connections," or "I'm looking for deeper friendship," or "I need more encouragement in my life." Based on my conversations, the problem feels chronic.

Here is the oddity... You would think that since so many of us want these amazing friendships, we would be forming bonds left and right. In reality, though, it isn't happening. It's almost as if we (as women) are walking around in a barren field - all together - all blindfolded. Our arms reach out desperately for a connection, a touch, but we miss one another by inches, centimeters.  What is to blame for this problem? What are the blindfolds that cause us to slip past each other?

"Busy-ness" is one. We have marriages or relationships, children, work and projects - all have the power to hold us relationally captive at any given point. They're all great reasons to be busy! Still, they can cause friendship to go by the wayside.

A second blindfold can be "good intentions" a.k.a. commitment or follow-through. Another friend shared this wisdom a few weeks ago, "I've learned when people say, 'We should get together sometime,' what they're really saying is, 'I think you're neat.' " HA HA. Too true. We really mean well, but then busy-ness comes along or (my personal condition) forgetfulness. If one or both parties don't persist in making plans (lol. I'm now imagining two blind-folded women playing Marco Polo in the field), the connection isn't made.

Past hurts can be a third blinder. I've been hurt deeply - sometimes by friends - sometimes by people who should have been trustworthy. On any given day, I don't feel I have much to offer, nor am I so arrogant as to believe someone is sitting around waiting for me to reach out to them. My hurts have kept me from reaching, at times. They have, at other times, made me feel unreachable.

A fourth can be chemistry - we don't have the same hobbies, or we have different gifts. But as Jesus followers we're called to surpass all that so I don't give it much merit. Maybe that's just me.

So what do we DO? If we're hurting and lonely? If we want more connection, deeper relationship?
1. We have to KEEP TRYING. We have to be intentional about getting "unbusy" enough - even if it's just once a month - to make a connection with someone. And rather than just saying, "Let's get together," schedule a time within the next two weeks of that encounter. Once I began doing that, my follow through increased exponentially. It was in my calendar (on my phone) so forgetting wasn't an issue.
2. BE A GOOD FRIEND. My mom always said, "If you want to have good friends, you have to be a good friend." She used to tell us that if no one was reaching out to us, we should find the loneliest person in the room and reach out to them. My sisters and I have all made lifelong friends using that wisdom. The truth is, if we belong to Jesus, HE is CONSTANTLY wanting to use us to be His heart in the lives of others - inside and outside the Body. When I think about Him and all He did to draw near to me, I can step out of my fear and my hurts to extend a loving hand.
3. DON'T GIVE UP! I believe more and more as I continue in ministry that satan has a systematic goal to keep women apart. Think about it. When you see women loving one another well, it's a powerful force. We bind up wounds, we make meals, we paint walls, we provide for needs, we nurture, we share chocolate and coffee :), we laugh until we cry or have accidents of a less discuss-able nature. Why do most people go home to mom when they are sick? We were made to be life-givers and heart healers. We often trade that birthright for other, less-eternal things. Don't give up on women. There's a powerful blessing to be had when we take off our masks and love one another.
4. TODAY. Rip off your blind fold. Find the nearest woman. Put your arms around her. Ask her how she is. Say "thank you" to a woman who has helped you. Encourage some girl you admire. CELEBRATE the beauty of a woman, ESPECIALLY if it's not external! :) And turn silent cries into audible calls.

I've loved (and still do) some amazing girls in my life. Some sucked the life out of me. Some breathed the breath of God into my spirit. Some take all I have to give. Some take me as I am. But each has touched me in an irreplaceable way and showed me more of the heart of God. To the girls who have seen me through (and I think you know who you are) THANK YOU!!! To those I have touched in any small way, please pay it forward by loving on another girl you know. We all want it. We all need it. Let's take off our blindfolds and make it happen.
Related Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12;  Romans 13:8-12; James 5:13-18; Proverbs 18:24

36

I had another birthday recently. No matter how much you try to escape them, pretend they don’t exist, birth your babies ON them in pure avoidance (as if I had that much control)... they still come around. For some reason, I was nervous about this one. Somehow I reason that the 5’s are a middle ground. The 6’s are a no-turning-back commitment . . . (again, as if I had that much control).

But, as is true most mornings, my Champion woke me with a song of hope in my heart and His presence in my spirit. So, I thought I'd share a few things I have learned (some for the UMPTEENTH time) since my last birthday. :)

1. I can only control me. (And even that is questionable depending on your theology, but for the sake of argument...) The better part of my growing years were spent creating a persona full of savvy barriers to keep from being rejected, hurt or abandoned. Funny thing is, none of those defenses includes a mind or body control device to deal with the pesky reality that is "other people's choices." I cannot predict or control how other people live or treat me; I can only manage how I live and respond. Learning that (and REALLY LEARNING it, not simply knowing it) has been a painful and freeing experience.
2. People and expectations will most assuredly disappoint. Still, to stop believing in either would be a wasted life. We must simply adjust our perspective glasses to a more realistic prescription.   
3. The greatest significance is found in insignificance... because no one thinks to look there.   
4. Cherishing every moment builds a beautiful future. Solely preparing for the future does little good as it cannot stand on moments which were never lived.  
5. My purpose here is still being written - evidenced by the fact that there is still breath entering and exiting my lungs. So I will live in gratitude to Him who loves me and has called me according to His purpose - and chase that definition as long as my heart continues beating.

So, whether you're next birthday is 16 or 91, I pray you are continuing to learn and grow and LIVE.  Read Jeremiah 29:11-13 to be reminded that God is not finished with you yet, and listen to this song for some inspiration!!! :)

Link:  TODAY by Kirk Franklin

"Life as a Music Video" Monday

If you're like me, music is like an extension of your soul. I am convinced I would be perfectly content if situationally appropriate songs hovered over me like a theatrical rain cloud. So, to share that affection for melody, harmony and all the ways they apply to our every day... welcome to "Life as a Music Video" Mondays.

Song: Wherever You Go   Artist:  Audrey Assad

“Can you just sit with me a minute,” Champion whispered into my heart. I glanced wistfully at the clean silverware and decided it could wait. I took a seat at my table; at His feet. 

Just then, Audrey’s voice pierced the open air of the messy kitchen and my heart. “I’m coming for you, coming for you wherever you go.”

I have a chronic problem with trying to live out of my own strength. It’s usually a subtle shift, but all at once, I’ll feel it. Like an awkward stare - so intense you have to stop and look up. As I glance around, I’ll see His eyes - yards or days or heartbeats away from where I have taken my own path.

All at once the weight of my efforts will cripple me, and the tears fall in the silly realization that I’ve done it again. But He, my Champion, just comes to me with a compassionate gaze. “This way, love.” He whispers, as he lifts me to my feet, brushes the dust from my knees and leads me on, a knowing smile on His redemptive lips.

And I don’t understand... why He keeps fighting for me. I know it’s not because of MY virtue. Ha ha! I know it’s because of His beauty, His faithfulness - measureless and utterly inhuman. 

That day, as He wrapped my heart in His again, I thought of you - all the girls I love. We all strive in so many ways, and, yes, I know - there is much to be done. But it can be accomplished in peace and grace if we will take off our Martha mind and put on our Mary heart. It’s there at His feet; it’s there in His heart, His eyes. There is no greater bliss - and the silverware can wait at least a few minutes more... 

He has come for you... LISTEN <3   (Jeremiah 2:13; Jeremiah 31:3-6)

Wherever You Go (Link)

Buy it (Cause it's Audrey, and she's that amazing!)

“Life as a Music Video” Monday

If you're like me, music is like an extension of your soul. I am convinced I would be perfectly content if situationally appropriate songs hovered over me like a theatrical rain cloud. So, to share that affection for melody, harmony and all the ways they apply to our everyday... welcome to "Life as a Music Video" Mondays.

Song: Outta My Mind  Band:  Anthem Lights

It was a bit of a rough week. People hurting people - people hurting me. Somehow I’d slipped back into the lie that I had some semblance of power when it came to others’ actions or attitudes... apparently not noticing as I sidled through the backdoor of that mindset. But my Champion, who will never let me stay content in brokenness, allowed the false walls to crumble once again - revealing a well-known backdrop of disillusionment. And like Jonah, I was cranky over the death of a vine I had never given life to in the first place.

Seeing a lie and climbing out of it are two different things. I struggled for days to surrender my mindset - rifling through details that, if I could simply understand, might lead me to avoiding this feeling in the future (yah right - because that’s how you grow... through avoidance... lol). 

It was in said struggle that I found myself driving down the road, my 3 little princes belted safely behind me. The wind tossed our chariot around a bit, and as the line of cars in front of me slowed inexplicably, I had an extra moment to catch sight of a hawk. You’ve seen little birds in high wind, right? The way they hover in mid-air, riding currents invisible to our eyes? Always beautiful. And here was this HAWK - massive, majestic bird; gorgeous wingspan - floating on the wind without the slightest effort. It was breathtaking. I had never before seen a bird of that size conquering such a feat.

The Spirit stirred within my spirit and my Champion whispered in wordless truths. There will always be downdrafts: circumstances we absolutely cannot control, people we can’t stop from hurting those we love, people condemning our best intentions. But we have a choice. We can let the downdrafts have us, sucking us deeper toward a fallen earth, or we can soar on the wind, allowing a greater Hand to lift us beyond mere, visible horizons. Just then this song came on the radio and completed the refrain.  Our minds can become a trap, a downdraft, unless we surrender to His heart. It doesn’t always have to make sense. And when we surrender our thoughts to Him (2 Cor. 10:5), He lifts us up on the wings of the unseen... faith. And when we're trusting Him in each breath - that's when He can really use us! Check out the song here.

Passing the Ball...

Friday night Dax and I sat in a packed cheering section while the Cole Valley Christian Chargers (the basketball team to which Dusty has been assistant coach this season) triumphed their way into the 2A state finals. When the final buzzer rang...
"Mom, did we win?"
"Yes!"
"So Daddy's going to the state finals tomorrow?"
"Yes!"
"Well, what about my game?"

Dax started his first season in the Upward basketball program this year.

"Well, Son, it's going to be tough. Your game is at noon, and your dad's is at 1:40 fifteen minutes away. This isn't your last game. Would you be willing to miss it so we can go support your dad?"

"Mom, I can't miss my game. I can't let my team down." I was blown away by my eight-year-old's grip on the reality of that truth.

"You're right, Dax. We'll go to your game, and show up when we can to Daddy's. But I'm not sure your dad will be able to make your game. You need to be ready for that."

"But Mom, he said he would come to all my games!" I cringed internally as I remembered the words - again, flabbergasted that my second grader recalled the vow, spoken hastily as the van had turned into a Taco Bell parking lot.

"Well, Sweetie, I know, but no one knew there would be this conflict. His game is a big deal! Let's talk to Daddy and see." My son just looked at me as if the answer should be clearly painted in black and white on the cinderblock walls of the gymnasium.

As soon as he was out of the locker room, I procured my husband's ear and proudly relayed Dax's commitment to his own team. We shared a silent moment of awe. Then I repeated the heart-wrenching reminder. Dusty's face mirrored what my spirit felt, but he swiftly straightened.
"He's right. I'll be there."
"Honey, you CAN'T! The guys need you!"
"I'll talk to Coach. I'll figure something out - even for just part of it. I promised him."

So I watched on Saturday, as my husband knelt in front of his son and told him to play his best. He stayed for the first period, then headed to the arena. Dax played with more spirit than I've ever seen him give, then we sped out to cheer Dad on as his team became the state champions of the 2A division! And my son had the joy and privilege of celebrating his father.

There were a dozen possible excuses - good ones. But he chose to be true to his word. That's the kind of man I married. And our son is becoming that same kind of man.

I stood amazed as I watched faithfulness pass from one generation to another this weekend, as tangible as watching them pass the ball. Words are everywhere and often meaningless. It's how we live that brings the victory home.

"...who keeps his oath, even when it hurts..." Psalm 15:4

Dancing in the Waiting Fields

Dax and I were driving back from Nampa this morning. The sun was just peaking up over the horizon as we passed a field, neatly plowed and blanketed in frost, like powdered sugar on a bundt cake. I considered the rows -- plowed and ready; frozen and empty -- in the middle of February.

As I was pondering, these words sang out from my worship CD: "He is freedom; He is healing right now." I looked at the frozen field and thought, "Healing right now?"

Sometimes God allows our hearts or our spirits to be broken. Always He wants to use the struggle to His glory and our good. (Romans 8:28) 


If it were not for the plowing and churning, the fields could not receive seed and produce a new crop. And yet, even after the breaking, they sit -- waiting for the planting time.


True change rarely happens overnight; Healing is seldom instantaneous. Yet, He is faithful.

Sometimes we are broken only to wait in a frozen field, it seems. But we are not abandoned. He is healing -- right now! And if we wait on Him, the planting season will come. If we leave our hearts tender and open to Him like that furrowed earth, we will receive from Him. Then all the churning and the breaking and the aching and, yes, even the waiting (sometimes especially the waiting) will produce new life in us.

Dance in the waiting fields. He is faithful.

"Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you." Hosea 10:12